Self Exam (go screw yourself Freud:)

There have been many times in my "young" life that I have pondered my own worth, and self being. For I have been offered so much free time by those who dared to call me "friend" over the years. Mostly I have afforded myself ample free time, just by the way the humanity around me, anywhere I have gone, has astounded and sickened my core self, in an amazing display of synchronicity. There was one post I wrote, very early on in this blog, that I chose to delete. It was a true glimpse into how my reasoning of my current self came to be. I decided to erase it from easily viewed record, because of one thought. How dare I share my past with everyone whom has their own past, whether or not theirs was one of struggle or ease. Although I felt slightly better having shared some of where I came from with the masses (although very few people have read every post I've left), I felt a bit guilty for having subjected anybody to my mind.

I am sitting here, writing this, while listening to the Beatles album LOVE!, smoking a brand of cigarettes, on which the packaging has a signature of the woman who designed the print on the box, and looking occasionally out of my closed window at the people who drive in and out of the parking lot (people watching), and wondering how most of them can afford to go out and spend hours out there in the wild, before returning, seemingly sane. Part of me wishes that I had a social life again, while my subconscious mind screams ever so quietly that I know I want nothing to do with those things "they" do. I tend to complain about how ultimately bored I am, alas, I also know the reason why as well, which saddens and bores me all at the same time. The reason is this, once I have comprehended, and understood a thing, anything at all, it immediately bores me. I no longer care to do it anymore, at all, in the least. Point in example, I have amassed a decent sized collection of DVDs, because I love movies, but when I'm bored and scan over the spines of the movie cases, looking at each individual title, my mind recalls what happened in the movie, why and how it happened, and the conclusion of the story, and I no longer need to see the movie again. The same goes for most of the books residing on my bookcase. I have observed over and over and over again, that most people's minds don't work that way, or maybe they just don't allow themselves to think/feel that way. I so often feel very sorry for my cat, because I can feel how extraoridinarilly simple his life is, and can only imagine how bored any creature kept in a "cage" must be. Seriously, as human animals, we have to go out everyday and worry about things like work, and driving, and paying bills, and paying for food, and friends, as well as enemies, and so on and so on and so on....etc.. But an animal kept in a house, or a zoo, or any form of an observation setting, can't do anything on that level. Nor should they, but damn, it's really gotta suck for them. At least dogs get to go out to be walked, but most of us biped animals, always put them on leashes, immediately disallowing them to be "dogs". Do we do that for the dog's protection, or because we are afraid that if we don't, the dog will meet some harm, by another biped? Or do we do that, because our feelings would be so hurt if the dog ran away to do it's thing, and never came back to offer us a wet nose on the back of our hand, when we're not paying them enough attention? Do we leash them simply because we wouldn't be able to handle them leaving us for somebody else? Enough on that train...

I am so bored

Yesterday, I had one of the rare "good days", yet I never posted why. In the back of my mind, I knew why I wasn't going to. It was because it was one of the acutely rare days I get, and I wasn't going to spoil it for myself. I just wanted to enjoy it, and let it wash through me and myself, and not share it with the world. A moment of selfishness on my part, I know. You must understand though, I get a day like that about once every four or five years, and I wasn't going to let it go. I knew what was coming the next day, so why spoil it so completely by posting it for everyone to see?

I was woken for the second time this morning by a most unwanted ringing of my phone. The first wake up call, was by my cat, who wanted to be fed, and have his water bowl refreshed, which I was more or less happy to oblige, at 5:45 this morning. The next call came at 9:43 a.m., from a bill collector, asking me to write a $2,327 check, or pay by credit card. I simply told him that if I had $2,000, he wouldn't be calling me, and hung up. Welcome to Saturday morning. I know I am the one who got myself into this mess. No really, I know. The thing that burns my buttons, is that I can't afford to pay the first time around, and the creditors can make a $10 minimum payment, and turn it into a $100 minimum payment. As though I didn't make the $10 payment because I thought it would be fun not to. And then, take that $100 minimum payment a $2,000+ minimum payment. FUN!!! I never understood how money worked when I was a kid. I knew we didn't have a lot of it, but I was never taught how to scrimp and save. I find myself telling the youngun's that still live with their parents, and have no bills to pay, to save as much money as I can before they head out into the real world. I wish i had been taught that when I was of that age, when i had no bills or responsibility. I feel like a prick every time I tell somebody that, but I do it anyway, just in case nobody else has told them that before me. It sickens me how much being alive revolves around money. Isn't the saying something along the lines of money can't/won't buy you love? I think it shouldn't be the thing that buys you peace of mind either. Often times I listen to bands that I like, and their songs talk about love and loss and happiness, but then I remember that these people have loads of money, and mostly have lost touch with their roots, when maybe they didn't have the ability to afford to be so cut off. And then I stop the music...the day the music died, so to say.

I went to pick up an application at another pizza parlor today. I filled it out, and I plan on dropping it off tomorrow or Monday. They aren't currently hiring drivers, but what the hell. I feel trapped in this money game. I read a book once or five times, when I was a kid. It's title is My Side of the Mountain. I loved that book even then, before I had any problems like I do as an adult. I would envy the indigenous people of this land, but even though they still try to live off the land, our lovely government screwed them over, and continue to do so to this very day, that even they have had to tip their hands and take up the money game. That is wrong on so many levels. I could just as easily join an occult, not one of the bad ones mind you. I suppose you could call the occults I speak of communes, if that would make you feel better. However, I am trapped by my bills, and would have to pay all of them off before I could make such a move. it may have been easier to do a decade or two ago, but Big Brother is in full swing, and it ain't going away anytime soon. What that boils down to, is simply this, if I made a move like that, they would hunt me down and trow me in prison for longer than I'd ever want to be, for tax evasion. How is this the best government in the world? Here's a real kicker for y'all. I put an Advertisement at the bottom of my blog. It's one that reads what you've written about, and applies appropriate advertisement. Well i checked it today, and it's for government grants, yay. The kick in my ass comes in the small print, I am not allowed to click on the own ads on my blog, without punishment of several of thousands of dollars, go fucking figure. Gotta love the small print!

I wish I could say that I love everything, and everyone, but the truth is that I love very little, and very few. Most people are to put off by me, just by me being me. I know my Family loves me, and a couple of people "like" me, but all in all, it's not that much, and barely enough to scrape by on. The worst of it all, is that I placed myself here, by my own admission, because I wanted to. Oh, well. At least I get to see an episode of Dr. Who on the boob tube tonight! Later, y'all, thanks to the one or two of you that may have made it through this whole thing. Lisa, i love you, and I really think that your ring is closer than you think, keep looking!

Until tomorrow, I bid you all adieu! Peace!