Saturday, 7 November 2009

An Oddly Spotted Rabbit and Me (no VW reference intended ;)

Hi and hello all.

The above picture was taken the day after my Thirtieth birth day anniversary. The rabbit has the oddest coat that I have seen to date. Other than that, life has been more or less the same. Still single, still mostly lonely. I need to find some way to shake up this life of mine. I can't really think of how to do that, but I know that not everything is copacetic. Really it is simply describable as boredom. I fought for a long time to accept being "alone". I finally did become comfortable with solidarity. I had felt the sensation for a long time, and was never truly uncomfortable with the notion, but practicing it is not as entertaining as pondering it. Now I'm just bored, and feel like I'll never get out of the monopractitioner life status. That might sound crazy, or unlikely to some, but it's not to me. I have the ability to communicate with just about everybody I share a language with, but as far as knowing how to take a relationship to the next level still seems to be a difficulty that I'm afflicted by. I'm not happy about it, really. I'm feeling a bit desperate of late. But when confronted with a new woman that excites attraction in me, I can't seem to stop feeling as though if I speak I will come off as nothing but desperate. That only sucks because it transfers over to trying to speak with people I feel no attraction towards. So basically my whole life is in need of some companionship, but I have forgotten how to have, or even enjoy that. Hmmm, one day maybe. Or maybe I'll spend more time than I'd like feeling like an odd rabbit in a cage...

Peace y'all :) Time for some mind numbing television, just so I can think in more simplistic ways ;)

Paste the link below to your web address bar for the soundtrack that kinda fits this post (in a new window of course, so you can listen for a while, and then read this post at the same time...)

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Another Decade Past

Hello, and welcome to my last blog in my third decade of life.

So today is Nov. 3rd, 2009, and this is last evening of my 20's. This last decade has been an interesting one, full of good and bad, ups and downs, loss and meetings, and some other stuff. It brought two loves into my life, and gave me plenty of time to say goodbye to both. One was lost due to life changes, and the other was lost to instability. One remains in contact, and the other lost in the ether (so to say, she is alive, but non-communicate). This decade has also been a time filled with saying a final farewell to more than I'd like, notably Blake Cadkin and John Waldron, and the one person I knew when 9/11 took the lives of so many. It has also brought people into my life, the two loves, Dahlia and Jenny, and some friends like George and Dean. I both lost myself, and found myself (sometimes one before the other), and tried my best to help those who I could. There have been chances not taken, and chances taken to no avail, and sometimes things I did not see as chances becoming more than I would have ever imagined. I could go on, but the dinner I ate tonight was about the best thing to analogize this decade, not quite long enough, but packed with so much that I could not close it enough to take it all in in one bite. I both admire and despise that in a sandwich (and life).

I had thoughts of dragging this post out to an insane length, but now that I'm sitting here, I don't think I will. Why, you ask? Because I wouldn't want to bore you readers who have put up with some of my ramblings in the past year in this blog of mine. I will say though, that it feels odd to me that I will be turning 30 tomorrow (4 hr 34 min from right now). I've been looking around at what is surrounding me, and I am having a hard time seeing anything that makes me feel like I've accomplished anything to date. I must say, it is a bit depressing. Okay, so I've known love more than once, and I was able to avoid homelessness in my 20's, so that's something. But something still feels like it is missing. It hasn't "...been a long December" yet (come on, it's only November), but I am hoping that "next year will be better than the last." There have been some severe trials involving my self worth, my reservations, and my inner strength. I have not come out unscathed, or with a case of perma-smile, but I've made it alive and mostly healthy. I could ask for more, I suppose. In fact I have wanted more for a few years now. But I've stopped asking of late, as I've seen so much worse in the last 10 years, that I find myself without room to bitch and moan about what I lack, like I used to do.

On that, I think I will stop here. Like I mentioned before, I could go on to make this more than even my own mother could read in one sitting (love ya mom!), but once I started writing, I knew that wasn't the right thing to do. I'm not dying quite yet, just turning 30. I feel like it's time for a change, if only I could figure out what that change should be. Since that won't happen tonight (most likely), I will instead watch some TV, listen to some music, and look forward to tomorrow!

Peace out y'all! Remember to take the good with the bad, and that even when there is more bad than good, there is still good to be had! Oh, and don't forget the family/friends, good music, good foods, and lots of laughs whenever you can let one slip! ; )