I got my car back today! Yay! That means that I have the option to find a new second job again! But wait, I'm not sure that I want to work two jobs. I am currently 29, and will be 30 later on this year. I often feel like a failure, because I have not broken the $30 grand a year mark. There is a line in a song that goes like this "You say that money isn't everything, but I'd like to see you live without it." I feel like most everyone I know, and drive next to, and live next to, and talk with, and see from day to day has any idea the hell I go through every damn day just to get up and go to work with a smile (grimace) on my face. I may have put myself in this position, however I have no way to save myself when shit goes wrong. Financially anyway (despite my phsysical and psychological issues). I have no credit to my name, and won't until 2013.
I want to find a job that I look forward to going to every day. Don't tell me to go back to school. There is nothing a school can teach me that I don't already know. Okay, there is a lot a school can teach me, but I will not go to it, just to get the "skills" to work a "job" that I would rather shove the pencil in my own eye, than earn the paycheck. There needs to be something out there that would suit me, I just can't seem to find it.
I am currently thinking that I want to point my future to absolute rock bottom (as I'm closer to that point than not already), just to force myself to find a change in this path. I really can't think of what to do right now. I feel trapped and screwed (although I haven't felt the soft touch of a woman in too damn long). I've been through some shit that most everybody never believes. Hard times that way too many people are going through right now in this country. I am about ready to put myself back in that situation, just in order to kick my ass back into gear. It's pretty fucked up that I am willing to hit rock bottom on purpose, but right now I fail to see any other option. I am constantly broke, no really, broke to the point where after paying my bills on payday, I have no idea how I will be able to go to the grocery store and buy anything. Let alone go on a date . No joke, on pay day's, I am already out of money once the bills are paid. I just don't feel like I am meant for this. The rat race is not for me. I own one almost complete suit (minus a suit jacket), so even if I did pretend I wanted to work in an office, I wouldn't be able to dress to code, not that I want that kind of job at all, just trying to make a point here. But considering that I make well above minimum wage right now, and I still can't pay the bills, and have a life outside of my apartment at the same time is really depressing the hell outta me. Yet I can't just suck it up and do something I don't like/want to do! Most of the "rats" can't seem to get that, because they belong in the system, and rarely ever see outside the "box". Well I see the whole big box, and circle, and trapezoid, and oxigon, and so on. I've never felt quite right, and I've never been a "team player". I just don't want the masses lifestyle. That is where my problem lays, and although I know that, I still refuse to be a drone!
Not using spellcheck tonight, so if I didn't spell everything properly in this blog, kiss my ass, I'm not an office puppet!
Peace out, and good music to all a y'all