Thursday, 26 March 2009

Not Too Sure

Hey Y'all

I got my car back today! Yay! That means that I have the option to find a new second job again! But wait, I'm not sure that I want to work two jobs. I am currently 29, and will be 30 later on this year. I often feel like a failure, because I have not broken the $30 grand a year mark. There is a line in a song that goes like this "You say that money isn't everything, but I'd like to see you live without it." I feel like most everyone I know, and drive next to, and live next to, and talk with, and see from day to day has any idea the hell I go through every damn day just to get up and go to work with a smile (grimace) on my face. I may have put myself in this position, however I have no way to save myself when shit goes wrong. Financially anyway (despite my phsysical and psychological issues). I have no credit to my name, and won't until 2013.

I want to find a job that I look forward to going to every day. Don't tell me to go back to school. There is nothing a school can teach me that I don't already know. Okay, there is a lot a school can teach me, but I will not go to it, just to get the "skills" to work a "job" that I would rather shove the pencil in my own eye, than earn the paycheck. There needs to be something out there that would suit me, I just can't seem to find it.

I am currently thinking that I want to point my future to absolute rock bottom (as I'm closer to that point than not already), just to force myself to find a change in this path. I really can't think of what to do right now. I feel trapped and screwed (although I haven't felt the soft touch of a woman in too damn long). I've been through some shit that most everybody never believes. Hard times that way too many people are going through right now in this country. I am about ready to put myself back in that situation, just in order to kick my ass back into gear. It's pretty fucked up that I am willing to hit rock bottom on purpose, but right now I fail to see any other option. I am constantly broke, no really, broke to the point where after paying my bills on payday, I have no idea how I will be able to go to the grocery store and buy anything. Let alone go on a date . No joke, on pay day's, I am already out of money once the bills are paid. I just don't feel like I am meant for this. The rat race is not for me. I own one almost complete suit (minus a suit jacket), so even if I did pretend I wanted to work in an office, I wouldn't be able to dress to code, not that I want that kind of job at all, just trying to make a point here. But considering that I make well above minimum wage right now, and I still can't pay the bills, and have a life outside of my apartment at the same time is really depressing the hell outta me. Yet I can't just suck it up and do something I don't like/want to do! Most of the "rats" can't seem to get that, because they belong in the system, and rarely ever see outside the "box". Well I see the whole big box, and circle, and trapezoid, and oxigon, and so on. I've never felt quite right, and I've never been a "team player". I just don't want the masses lifestyle. That is where my problem lays, and although I know that, I still refuse to be a drone!

Not using spellcheck tonight, so if I didn't spell everything properly in this blog, kiss my ass, I'm not an office puppet!

Peace out, and good music to all a y'all


Anonymous said...

Hey, Guess what, I actually read your blog. I'm not a blogger and for some reason I just dont like blogs, at all. But I figured it'd make ya happy if I read it. :)

Sean said...

That makes two anonymous comments. Actually I'm not anonymous so just one anonymous comment.

I am thinking you should take some of these posts and turn them into a book.

I hope things are improving and don't worry the girl in the car next to you and the guy you live next to are broke too. By the way I don't even have the gumption to keep up with my blog so congrats on taking the initiative.

Also I refuse to believe that you will be thirty this year. Didn't we used to play GI Joe's together?

Ajitha said...

from someone who went to school until she was 29yo, so that she could work a job that she loves, dont refuse the idea of going back to school.

there might be a job out there you do love, and you should find it. and further schooling might be necessary (whether to obtain skills or a certification)...yes, going to school would cost money you dont have, but with your financial situation, you easily would get loans/grants to get you by (and possibly also help with living expenses)...

and maybe you think that it sucks to have to invest time and work into going to school...but the thing is, if you find something you really love, going to school for it is actually a fun thing. trust me.

Anonymous said...

i came close to finishing art school and one class made me say fuck it and walked out. i didnt end up with a professional art career, instead i ended up in construction and there isnt a day that goes by that i dont regret what i did. i love going to my job, and with times like these, im so happy to HAVE a job. why hit rock bottom to force yourself to make changes? keep searching and just keep on surviving day to day. there's something out there waiting for you dave, and believe me, i know its hard to be patient, but remember, this IS temporary. keep on truckin.