Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Once Upon a Dream (I almost wish I'd never had)

This story starts a bit more than 10 years ago. I was a teen back then, and I lived a life not all that different than the life I lead now. Only back then I lived without consequence in my mind, or responsibility yet learned. I lived my life in a way that was multifaceted. To some I was the quiet guy, who never wanted to be on record, but occasionally had a quip of young wisdom. To others I was an actor, who knew how to project my voice in order to command attention, or direct the masses of youth. To others I was a builder of objects, and a planter of seeds, if you've ever heard the term "plant a little seed and watch it grow", then you know what I mean. To others yet, I was a dark soul, much like the ones depicted on the After School Specials that the media used to air back then, in order to scare off the weak minded, and the young women from spending time with deviants. To most though, I was just the odd one out, the freak of mind, the seer of truths, and the bearer of pain. Pain more psychological than physical in most cases. When it comes right down to it, I was all of those things. I just decided who got to see which side of me, and when I wanted them to. But what nobody ever saw was my unconscious mind. The part of my mind that even I could not control. Specifically, my dreams.

My whole life I have been privy to some of the most wildly vivid dreams. The kind that stick with you for decades. Most of them of a variety that I would not wish upon most people, ever. Some of those dreams actually taught me a thing or two, that I would never have learned otherwise. A few dreams were actual foresight, not premonitions. Mostly though, they were dark and twisted, and would leave me shaking and sweating. Not so much night terrors, although a few of them would certainly qualify in that category, but more a brutal insight into the brutality of human capacity. Then, late in my teenage years, I started dreaming of a girl. Not every night, but often enough to remember her from dreams had in nights not to far passed. After a while, it became nearly every night that she would find a way into the deepest part of my nightmare, and without ever showing me her face, lead me out of the hell my mind had created for me. At that point, I started thinking of her during my waking hours. I felt something wasn't right, almost as though I was missing something. Finally, one night, after months of her showing up in my dreams, I ran into somebody I hadn't seen in years. She worked at a restaurant at the local mall. We got to talking, and the conversation made it's way to if I was seeing anybody. I told her my answer, and she told me there was somebody I needed to meet.

A couple days after that random encounter, I had yet another dream that included the mystery girl. She was about a foot shorter than me. She had dark dark brown hair, falling in gentle curls just below her shoulder blades. She was petite, but gave off such a sense of control, strong but not overbearing. But still, I couldn't see her face. The day after, I went to my friend, Brent's house. He had constructed a "cave" in his bedroom. It wrapped around one corner of his room, with a small entrance (just big enough for anybody to crawl through) at one end, that led to a crawl space, tall enough to stand on your knees in, which continued along one wall, and then turned to another wall. Along the second wall the roof was still high enough to balance on your knees, for about 5 feet, and then it dropped down to another "cave" entrance, which led to yet another area. It was in that space between that I took an image from my dreams, of that mystery girl, and drew it on the wall. Recorded in drywall, in ink, for as long as that structure remained in that house.

3 nights later, I had another dream including the mystery girl. Only this time, just before waking, she turned around at the last possible second, and I saw her face. It was absolutely beautiful. Completely down to earth, but with a subtle beauty that any man or woman alike could feel okay bowing down to, should the situation ask for it. I couldn't believe it. I awoke, heart racing, and immediately I felt lost. I knew where I was, I just felt suddenly alone and confused. I had finally seen her, but before I could do anything, I had woken up. All that day I just made my way through my daily routine, in a daze, feeling melancholy though the hours. Then night finally came. I was up in my bedroom when the doorbell rang. My dad, who was downstairs, answered the door, and called to me to let me know I had visitors, and to come let them in if I wanted. I didn't really want to, not knowing who it was, or why they were there. I forced myself out of my state of self pity, and made my way downstairs, to the front door. Without really looking though the screen door first, I just opened it and stepped out into the crisp clean night air. I looked up to see my old friend, who I had seen at the restaurant only about two weeks earlier, and a man I'd never seen before. She introduced me to him as her boyfriend, and we shook hands. As we leaned a little closer, in order to shake hands, I first became aware of the third person there. She stepped out from behind him, and there she was. The girl from my dreams. In the flesh, just standing there, slightly crooked smile, pierced nostril, black curly hair which hung down to just below her shoulder blades, and with a subtle beauty, yet a powerful presence that left me dumbfounded. I nearly fell over, no joke, I really almost fell over. My old friend smiled, and her boyfriend took one look at the two of us, and he smiled too, and started laughing a bit, quietly. It took me a few moments to get the words together in my head, and then to get them out of my mouth before I invited them all inside. She managed to take all the facets of my life, and strip them all down, effectively making me who I am today. A person who is the same to everybody, regardless. I didn't have to create barriers between everybody anymore. I didn't have to worry about letting my guard down, or try to maintain little white lies, or even big dirty black ones. And she did that in no time at all. The rest is history.

I did take my dream girl to see the picture I had drawn from my dreams a few weeks later, and even she was taken back abit. I can't blame her, as most never believe me about much of anything I tell them, but she could tell I wasn't making it up, and that was wonderful.

A few years later, we ended up going our separate ways, and I said some things in the end that I shouldn't have. We haven't talked since then. But we shared something that I don't think can even come close to carbon copied. No redo's, no second chance, no new beginning. To this day I still think of her, regardless of what is going on, who I'm with, what I'm doing, or where I am. I can't help it. That was something I will never be able to rid my mind of., no matter how hard I have struggled to. I fear I will have trouble with any future relations, as I did with the one after her, because of just how amazing that experience was. For that time spent with her alone, I do not agree with the Bard, when he said that it is better to have loved once, than never to been loved before. If I could take it all back...I almost wish I could...

The one that got away.

I miss you.


Lisa said...

I don't know. I loved and lost and I feel like I'm lucky.

dehemp: Now, who would want to do a thing like that?

Dave said...

I was lucky to be in love like that once. But like I've said before, she dissolved the bar all together, and I don't really think I can ever feel that way again. Love again, sure, but that was a once in a life time thing for me. Just me. I've had other loves before, but never one that involved so much before I ever met the woman. I'm not sure that anybody remembers that part of it when they think about the rest of the story, when the months that led up to it was really the amazing part.

eristar said...

That made me sad and happy at the same time...
REPLENME - What you might say to the waiter in a really upscale place...

Anonymous said...

i love this blog entry, dave.

ive loved, lost the love...but i too am happy.

im glad that you got to experience that with her and fell in love. its the best experience a human can ever go through.